deeply disturbed

by the fact of my own innocence.  Innocence?  yes, I'll call it that.

very sick, in the time it would take others to simply have a good time.

I danced, I smoked, I drank - apparently too much.

could barely make it to the loo.  In fact, it was quite disgusting.

well, it's nature's way of telling me enough's enough.

dear God, though - how emphatic!

personal upkeep

On the verge of 30 (ugh, that only sounds nice when you add in a chipper way, "30 is the new 20!" as my mom likes to do), personal upkeep seems to be slightly more challenging than it used to be.

Perhaps it's because in my mid-20s, personal upkeep was a game to play, aimed at making myself feel nice before a date rather than observing actual results.  (remember my sugar-exfoliated thigh, prepared before formal halls?)

I remember the days when personal upkeep was simply too much trouble, and unnecessary.  Young bodies are supple, lithe and indifferent, I suppose.  Or perhaps I'm remembering faultily. 

May I offer this passage from Bridget Jones (yes, I'm still re-reading that, 10 years later!) by way of illustration?

"6 p.m.  Completely exhausted by entire day of date-preparation.  Being a woman is worse than being a farmer - there is so much harvesting and crop spraying to be done:  legs to be waxed, underarms shaved, eyebrows plucked, feet pumiced, skin exfoliated and moisturized, spots cleansed, roots dyed, eyelashes tinted, nails filed, cellulite massaged, stomach muscles exercised.  The whole performance is so highly tuned you only need neglect it for a few days for the whole thing to go to seed."

Thankfully, I haven't got dyed hair or dark body hair to worry about, but my God, the effort I put into personal exfoliation with the end result of softness and smoothness could fuel a factory.  It's embarrassing to think about, but even more embarrassing to think that I neglected it in my last relationship because no-one noticed.  How disturbing.

But, as Bridget says...

"...one must not live one's life through men but must be complete in oneself as woman of substance.  

9 p.m.  Still, he is in top-level job..."

party

... in  the East Village - on a rooftop.  Strangely like Austin.  Alcohol was in a tiny and nearly inaccessible spot, however, leading me to secrete beers and malt liquor drinks for friends in my giant Bal bag.

Sadly, friends had departed by the time I left the tiny spot, climbed over the rooftop fence, passed the DJ and the head-nodding gangstas, and made it back to the lawn chair area with the view of the Empire State Building.  NYC rooftops are gorgeous - much more than Austin rooftops ever could be.

But the party was intense - and young.  I smoked a rolled cigarette, made friends over a mutual love of Zach Galifianakis, took several photos, and left. 

I didn't spend any money - brought home my giant bottle of wine (the trashcan punch was way more popular, so it was okay) and oddly, an extra Mike's Hard Lime.  Also took the subway both ways, it was late, but very close at 14th and 1st.

An alarming number of ginger men at this party.

I'm in love...

...with the bright ginger beard of the Viking-cum-shunned-cable-guy in the Verizon Fios commercials.

30 things every woman should have before she turns 30

1.  Clothes that fit the size she is now, not the size she was five years ago

uh... I think it's the same size!  

2.  A weekly income that covers the rent (or mortgage payment)

depends... I mean, my rent is 50% of my income per month... but that's NYC.

3.  An orgasm

tee hee!

4.  Always enough toilet paper

I freak out when there's only a roll left.  if I have learned anything, it is that men do not buy toilet paper.  ever.  I came back from a two-week long trip to find the empty paper roll in the EXACT same condition as it was when I left my boyfriend and our male roommate.  yeeeccchhh.

5.  A hair stylist she trusts

Well, there's one in San Antonio, Texas I like... and I've lived in NYC for three years... hm.

6. A favorite song, porn site, image, movie or fantasy that always gets her in the mood?

um, all of the above?

7.  Health insurance

student insurance... it's decent.  certain necessary medications are $40, though.

8.  A signature drink

Hennessy Sidecar?  Salty Dog?  champagne and Chambord?  take your pick.

9.  A healthy relationship with her parents

define "healthy."

10.  Bras in the correct size

a few... and something like 20 in the wrong size.

11.  Enough alcohol in her home to offer drop-by guests a cocktail

a cold bottle of Absolut (Grey Goose is too expensive), Fresca and some bland Polish lager - Zywiec (4 puczka (cans) for $4)?

12.  An emergency hangover remedy

Ah, yes.  A friend suggested one just the other day to me.  It involved two people and sounded divine...

13.  A voter registration card

you'd better believe it.  And a precinct map and archive of the electoral mailers I've received.

14.  A wardrobe that includes the perfectly flattering little black dress, a great pair of heels, jeans that make her ass look great, and a cute hat that hides a bad hair day

I guess I have all those things, but I don't have bad hair days.  Hats create bad hair days...

15.  A yearly appointment with her gynecologist

Good old Columbia women's clinic.

16.  The name of reliable movers to give her friends when they ask for help relocating

oddly, I lost this between my last move, which was three years ago, and now...

17.  The gumption to ask a man out

I did it twice, at 17 and at 24, and neither time worked out very well at all.  I take a more subtle approach now...

18.  A group of girlfriends who get it

Get what?  (clearly I'm a bad friend...)

19.  A set of tools (and the ability to use them... even if it's just to hang a piece of art)

Oh, I can hang a picture... but I'd like a man to fix the car and the plumbing and things.  And kill spiders.

20.  A balanced checkbook

see question 2.  that is all you need to know.

21.  No interest in men just aren't that into her

No, sirree bob.  excepting Ralph Fiennes.  I think he loves me, though.

22.  A vacation to look forward to once a year

Yes!  and, I hope, more and more since this is the ideal year for traveling...

23.  A good bullshit detector

I have that in spades!!

24.  The courage to stand up for herself and her beliefs

for the most part, though being a liberal in Texas can cow anyone... (ha! ha!  get it?  cow?!)

25.  A favorite sex position

tee hee!  a lady never tells!

26.  A set of hand towels so guests don't have to dry their hands on her bath towel

hell yes!!  are there really people out there lacking hand towels?!?!  frightening thought!

27.  Enough self-love to avoid and break off unhealthy friendships and relationships

obviously, I've been good at this lately.

28. A commitment to exercise

YES!!!  I can answer this question in the AFFIRMATIVE for the first time in about 4 years.

29.  A retirement fund

I think I have that.  um.  401k?

30.  A great vibrator.

Yes.  and it is not The Rabbit.  nor is it this.  (but that would at least make some sense.)  

(from The Frisky)

victory!

am able to enjoy movies with love in them again!  

I broke it open with a little Sleepless in Seattle tonight... yep, hit the ground running.

ETA actually most of the people and dialogue in this movie is pretty annoying and not at all how I remembered them as a 9-year-old.  still, I'm watching to the end....

ETA ugh, why did I rent this movie again?!  thanks a lot, iTunes!

Nuvarings of the World: Vol. II

Why do Dutch women insist on wearing sheer shirts so you can see their bras underneath?  Does this sluttishness mean they need birth control?

Mijn anticonceptie is rond!